Would I like to relive the life I have lived so far, to make similar decisions I have made; or would I rather have changed my mind,
and led a completely different course of life? I am not quite sure I would like to have any change. But overall I am pleased with the life I have led so far.
My temperament
certainly plays a big role in my choices in life. But is there any
predestination? I don't mean the Calvinistic predestination, but the
Oriental-type belief that the individual cannot but has to live the life
predestined to him/her, given all the internal and external conditions
which s/he has at a particular point of time in life, and which may
affect his/her decisions and the whole course. Well, maybe there is
some kind of predestination or pre-conditionedness.
Besides temperament, I have a
strong belief that I (not God, a divine nor any supernatural power) am the
key figure in shaping my life. In other words, I have to live such a
life simply because I want it that way; and I am fully responsible for
it, and any consequences it may bring about to me and others involved in my course of life.
I also think about the importance of
small (which we sometimes mistakenly consider trivial) but, nevertheless
decisive, elements in life, without which circumstances would not have
taken place the way they did. They may act as catalysts, or subordinate and supportive
factors.
I am a real Buddhist. The longer I experience life, the more
I find Buddhism is the only philosophy, ideal, and spiritual
way that I truly and highly value and wholeheartedly adopt. I am so happy and
grateful that I have learned Buddhism from a number of genuine masters so far in my life.
But I am not a simple Buddhist follower. Rather, I am
growing in my belief day after day. As I am learning and practicing what the Buddha taught, I have gradually come to realize that I can no longer be easily
fooled by any other doctrines or theories, nor any classy, shiny, attractive sounds, appearances, for they are but fooling illusions. Everything going on in life in
the past as well as at present, to me,now, is but a fleeting dream. I also feel an
increasing inclination, or a drive from within, to detach myself from all
bonds, be it personal relationships or financial and professional
pursuits. Instead, I cherish a balance for my umwelt, my individual world and cosmos, against all external incidents.
Down to earth, I am still doing what I need to do. Day
after day I still accomplish the lists of things I have to do. That is to keep myself
on the right track. But as I am doing them, one by one, to me, they are merely dreams to pass by, and, with little (or not so much as it used to be)
attachment. And so I have completed one task after another, calmly and peacefully, knowing that time is limited, and there will be a day when I will no longer be here on earth, like all others whom I have known, and who have left me forever into what realm I know not.
Still, I know my
main focus in my life now is to fulfill some unspoken promises to this life. And I am working on the tasks I
assigned to myself. From now on till the end of my life, I
will work on those self-imposed assigments, for they will be what I would like to leave
behind at the end of my life. It is my hope that I will
finish them before my time has expired, say in 10, 20 years.... But that is simply a hope. It is not necessarily to be
fulfilled within this life span; for I am sure I will continue the same tasks in my next life if all
conditions are met.
