Parenting

I have only one son, who is now 17 years old and at college. From my experiences as a parent, and through talking and sharing with other parents, among whom are my close friends and relatives, I have discovered that parenting is perhaps one of the most difficult tasks on earth. It is difficult because universal parenting principles do not seem to be useful or applicable to every child successfully, even within a family. What's more, once done, it is almost irreversible.

It is true that there are fundamental guidelines for parents in all cultures. We know that it is good for parents to pay attention to their child's character training since s/he is in the mother's womb. We often try to cultivate good habits in toddlers and kindergarteners, teaching them to be confident and independent, to share and show care, love and respect to everybody. To our elementary kids, we encourage them to maintain a balanced schedule between study and games or play, to eat healthy foods, and to take good care of themselves. Step by step we introduce our middle schoolers to the large and complicated world, so that they know how to protect themselves when parents are not available. Our early teens begin to discover themselves and the world under our guidance. Then comes the time when we have to say to the young man or the young woman, "Now is the time when you can flap the wings and soar to the blue sky wide open awaiting you to explore, discover and develop to your best capability." From then on your used-to-be baby begins to change dramatically until the next time when s/he comes back, saying, "How do you like me now?"

You try to remain calm, and continue to play the parenting role of the old days. Is that good for you and your child? Perhaps not. For you have changed, and so has s/he. You must adapt to your child's changes as much as s/he to yours. At a certain point you must remain calm, and stay away, lest you should become an intruder in your children's lives. You have done a lot raising them, and now you should know your boundaries. You are only their friends, and that is good enough. You are growing older, and hopefully wiser; but do not be condescending, nor should you expect much from them, for there are enough burdens for them to carry along their life journeys.

In my view there are many phases in the parenting process, and parents should be flexible to meet the demands of each phase in the process. There seems to be three main phases: the nurturing-caring protector phase; the listening-guiding advisor phase; and the listening-sharing acceptor phase.

High standards or expectations? I think it is good for the kid to know that his/her parents have high expectations for him/her, and thus the kid will try all their best. Self-complacency is as harmful as inferiority complex. Yet, do not ever sacrifice your valuable parent-child relationship to transient and superficial fame, award, or reward. The most importance is probably teaching values to the child. What is good vs. what is bad. Be consistent. Be a good role model.

Intrinsic motivation is the key to long-lasting creativity, enjoyment, self actualization and wonderful success. Let your child have a dream. Let him/her explore and enjoy as s/he fulfills that dream. Life is too short to live in an ivory tower, or to confine oneself to a certain mold or standards designed by others, even one's parents.

Amy Chua has her own ways, which may reflect some aspects of the oriental parenting style usually found in China and Chinese communities. I am glad it worked for her family up to this point. She continued the way her immigrant parents taught and trained her. But who knows if that way will have nice effects on her children till the end of their lives, and if it will be re-applied successfully to her grandchildren?
Anyway, she has successfully marketed her book. Good marketing strategy! Her book came out at the right time when everything Chinese seems to threaten to dominate the globe, and when the USA feels it is losing power.

But let's wait and see.