The Art of Friendship: How to Navigate Your Differences

By Mia Brabham Feb 28, 2022 https://www.shondaland.com/live/family/a39227521/art-of-friendship-how-to-navigate-your-differences/?utm_source=pocket-newtab Friendships are love stories, too. In the Shondaland series The Art of Friendship, we explore and appreciate the beauty and complexities of friendship, as well as what makes it so powerful. From expert tips on how to navigate conflicts and build friendships to uplifting stories of connection, these stories are reminders of the joy, value, and meaning that companionship brings to our lives. When Candice meets someone who is religious, her first feeling is fear. “I’ve had plenty of people throughout my life tell me I’m going to hell for not believing in God,” the 29-year-old atheist says. “It’s not a good feeling, and so I’m always a bit nervous when I realize that religion is something important to someone.” Candice had devout Catholic grandparents growing up, but her parents chose to raise her and her sister without religious influence. The northern Virginia native visited several nondenominational churches as a child, but she realized at a young age that she didn’t align with any religion. “I didn’t tell people this because I legitimately thought every person in the world believed in God,” she says, “and I was some kind of freak.” When Candice joined an a cappella group in college, she was immersed in a group of women with varying beliefs and backgrounds. She became close with two of the singers, who she learned were devout Christians and frequent churchgoers. That fear rose up in her chest again. This time, however, she was surprised when their first conversation about faith didn’t immediately affect their relationship. “I have a definitive memory of us hanging out in my kitchen … eating cookie dough and discussing life and religion,” Candice recalls. “I remember feeling relieved that it was going smoothly. They were willing to openly discuss what they felt and believed without striking me down for what I believed. There wasn’t any tension.” Candice thinks that they were able to talk about their differences because of their mutual respect for one another. While she doesn’t believe in God, Candice does believe it’s her friends’ right to, and accepts that it’s important to them. “No one ever tried to make me go to church or change who I was or what I believed,” she says. “They accepted me as I was, and I did the same for them.” While we’re taught from a young age not to talk openly about divisive topics, from religion and politics to social issues and money, such uncomfortable conversations with those closest to us can help us understand how those beliefs, experiences, and traits make us who we are as people. Kat Vellos, a connection coach and the author of We Should Get Together and Connected From Afar, has witnessed many friendships flourish despite varying points of view. Diagram Description automatically generated We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships bookshop.org $19.98 “While friendship can flow more smoothly when you’re extremely similar to your friends,” Vellos says, “being different from each other increases the likelihood that you can expand each other’s worldview and perspective.” This is true for Lauren, a 28-year-old web and social-media specialist from Charlottesville, Virginia, who befriended Jem and Sarah, who are Filipino, and Ana, who is from Spain, through a mutual friend. “We actually use our cultural differences to learn from each other,” she says, “and have a closer friendship.” The quartet enjoy “family dinners” of traditional Filipino dishes, like beef pares, and illuminating conversations about their unique cultures, usually sparked through food. “I grew up in a white, middle-class family,” she says. “We had a lot of American or European cuisine, so cultural differences come up when I try — and always love — Jem’s Filipino dishes.” They also switch it up and make hamburgers on the grill or chicken parmesan with spaghetti. Lauren explains that they deepen their friendship by sharing stories from their past. “[Jem and Sarah] didn’t come to the U.S. until their preteen years, so they still remember [growing up in] the Philippines,” she says. “I always love these stories because it gives me insight to them as people, and it’s a great bonding experience for us. I usually have a story to respond with from my own childhood.” Because they are open to one another’s perspectives, there’s a mutual exploration of their backgrounds. For instance, Ana loves to ask Lauren about the portrayal of events she’s seen in American media, such as the depiction of high school parties and proms. “A few months before [my last birthday], we were all hanging out and chatting about our high school proms,” Lauren says. “Ana and [her boyfriend] Robin mentioned that they had always wanted to go to a prom after seeing them in movies and TV shows but never had the opportunity, so we decided my birthday theme would be a prom theme and went all out.” The group dressed up in gowns, went out to dinner, and danced the night away at home to a playlist of songs from 2011 and 2012, which is around the time Ana and Robin would have attended prom. When the group confronts more sensitive conversations, such as the racism Jem and Sarah have endured as Asian Americans, Lauren says that learning how to listen without interjecting has been an approach that serves their friendship and strengthens their understanding. “I try to do my best to take a step back and make sure I’m listening to that person talk about their experiences and really take them to heart to make sure I don’t perpetuate stereotypes or create situations like they’ve had to deal with in the past,” Lauren says. “I also do my best to use my position of privilege as a white person to amplify people of color’s voices rather than trying to talk over them in a space where they need to be heard.” Is monoculture necessary to create a healthy environment out in nature? Nope.” While many friends decide to entirely put their differences aside, Vellos notes, “Friendships between people who hold dissimilar interests and viewpoints can be some of the most fruitful for learning, innovation, mental and emotional expansion, and personal growth. Friendships like these provide a safe place to be vulnerable, uncomfortable, ask stupid questions, and genuinely contribute to each other’s development, empathy, and understanding.” Today’s world can especially feel like a treacherous, scary road to tread down out of fear of offending someone, saying the wrong thing, or asking an inappropriate question. But building a strong foundation, according to Vellos, creates a space for meaningful conversations and enduring friendships. Here are a few methods for embracing your friends’ differences and avoiding future clashes. Take a cue from nature Vellos suggests taking a walk and counting how many different kinds of trees, shrubs, flowers, and animals along your stroll coexist in harmony. “Is monoculture necessary to create a healthy environment out in nature? Nope.” The author points out that some aspects of monoculture can be efficient, like growing the same type of grapes in a vineyard or growing one type of fruit tree in an orchard. But that can also lead to a more fragile environment because if a threat rolls around, it can knock out all of the plants at once. Vellos says there are many benefits from having friends who aren’t “photocopies” of you. “What [can you] gain from being exposed to different ways of thinking and different ways of being? How can this support your learning, growth, knowledge, or perspective? All of those benefits are available to you in a pleasant package: your friends that you’re different from.” Embrace curiosity A friendship can change when two people dare to ask themselves what would happen if we viewed our differences as an opportunity rather than allowing them to tear us apart. “The echo chambers we inhabit online can lead us to expect that we’re supposed to be in total agreement with everyone around us, especially all of our friends,” Vellos points out. “But that’s not a realistic expectation, and most attempts at creating a utopia have failed.” Advertisement - Continue Reading Below Vellos says that a smart way to navigate differences is to give your friends the gift of curiosity. “Try to find out why they feel the way they do,” she says. “What experiences in their past inform their current-day perspective? What emotions are at play in their decision-making? What frustrations or challenges do they face? What benefits do they get from thinking or feeling the way they do?” The friendship coach encourages us to ask more open-ended questions — and with an open mind — so that your friends truly feel heard and like you genuinely want to understand where they are coming from. If you focus more on wanting to understand why they believe what they believe rather than focusing your energy on the belief itself, it could lead to a deeper connection. Oftentimes, you’ll be offered the same respect in return. Leave the topic alone In most situations, avoidance isn’t a tactic Vellos typically recommends when it comes to friendships and relationships. But sometimes it’s easier — and perhaps healthier — to simply bypass a topic altogether. “If you already know that opening up a certain conversation or disagreement is going to unleash a hornet’s nest,” she says, “there’s nothing wrong with taking the agree-to-disagree path.” Vellos gives you permission to refrain from talking about certain subjects if you’ve tried broaching them once or twice and already know how they’re going to end. Take stock of your friendship as a whole. If you deeply cherish your connection with this person and they treat you with respect, it’s okay to drop it. If you’re both on the same page about this, continue to focus on what brings you together. Maintain a threshold If you are willing to take on or continue a friendship where your beliefs are drastically different, there is no rule that says you can’t continue to enjoy that friendship. But know that it might require more energy and attention when certain topics arise. “A lot of social progress has been made when people who had prejudiced ideas got to know or befriended someone they previously were against,” Vellos says. “That is powerful. And that’s not everybody’s path. The psychological stress of being in that situation may be too much for somebody. If that’s the case, and they need to take a step back, then so be it.” If your differences are causing you pain or have become toxic, you may decide that it’s time to move on. “That’s okay!” Vellos says. “There’s no rule that says you must stay friends with everyone you meet, especially if that friendship has a pattern of being unhealthy, disrespectful, or a consistent source of anguish.” Vellos says that ultimately only you can decide what path feels healthiest and most in line with your integrity. Mia Brabham is a staff writer at Shondaland. Follow her on Twitter @hotmessmia.